Ep #44: Part 1: The 5 Stages of Cancer Grief: Denial

Today’s episode is a start of a 5-part series called The 5 Stages of Cancer Grief, and I’m diving into the first segment that’s all about Denial. Understanding these grief stages demystifies the struggle of grieving, and this knowledge empowers you to cope with your feelings and support your healing process. It’s important to find ways to honor each of the stages you experience, rather than eliminate it.

What You’ll Learn From this Episode:

+  Why unprocessed grief can negatively affect your health

+  Physical symptoms of grief

+  Signs of denial and how to exit the denial loop

+  How to deal with loved ones who are in denial about your cancer

+  Truth & Dare Quote: Removing the toxicity is only the first step. The next step is a calling into deeper healing.

Featured on the Show:

+  Episode TDC #35: The 5 Stages of Cancer Grief

+  Episode TDC #43: Sara Dean: Shameless Tips for Moms with Cancer

+  Sara Dean’s Shameless Mom Academy

+  Book On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross

+  If you need help grappling with these 5 stages of cancer grief, or you entered the acceptance stage but not sure how to move forward, join me for the free class: The 5 Proven Steps to Confront Your Cancer.

+   WANT TO CREATE A LIFE YOU DESERVE? Whether your goal is to get healthy, change careers, improve relationships, focus on self-care… You can create whatever you desire. If you need help figuring it out, it's time for private coaching, no more waiting for Monday.

+  Join the Truth & Dare Cancer Facebook Community. It’s a safe space where I and lots of other like-minded women with cancer hang out and share our stories, struggles, tips, and support.

+  I’d love to hear your perspective and thoughts about the conceptual cancer topic – just tag me on Facebook or Instagram @truthanddarecancer handle

Full Episode Transcript:

Welcome to Truth & Dare Cancer, the only podcast that teaches you how to supercharge your self-healer, navigate fear, and recalibrate your life by using cancer as a powerful catalyst for change. On this show we get real about all things cancer. And now here’s your host, cancer survivor, mathematician and certified life coach, Ceca Mijatovic. Hello and welcome back! You are listening to the episode number 44 of the Truth & Dare Cancer Podcast. If you have not yet done so please subscribe to us on Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcast, and like us on Facebook. Just use @truthanddarecancer handle on Facebook, Instagram, and other social platforms. To access the show notes for this episode go to truthanddarecancer.com/podcast and select episode number 44. I’m your host Ceca Mijatovic and today we are starting a 5-part series on embracing the 5 Stages of Cancer Grief. Last fall I did an episode on this topic and cover all 5 stages of grief in one episode. Since then I’ve been paying even more attention to how little people are aware of their negative emotions, and more so how they really don’t know how to deal with them. In our culture today, we are not allowed to express and feel all emotions. Unless you are happy, you are not allowed to express how you are really feeling. So because we do not see other people going through all the emotions, we do not learn how to process and feel through all of our own emotions. Almost every time I talk with women who have cancer, the conversation comes back to unprocessed grief.  It could be the loss of a family member, being hurt by a partner or boyfriend in a relationship, even being excluded by a group of friends as a girl - these unprocessed emotions turn into grief, and we don’t know how to deal with them. I know that my infertility journey caused a lot of grief that I had to process. I shared more on this in the last episode during the guest interview with Sara Dean. Most cancer patients also experience grief when they are diagnosed. I tell my clients that grieving is essential to their recovery. As the saying goes, “the only way out is through.” The first tool to moving through grief is to understand it. Many people are familiar with the concept of the 5 stages of grief. In 1969, a Swiss psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described five distinct stages of grief. They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. She first introduced her five stage grief model in her book On Death and Dying, and her model was based on her work with terminally ill patients. It has received much criticism in the years since. Mainly, because people studying her model mistakenly believed this is the specific order in which people grieve and that all people go through all stages. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross now notes that these stages are not linear and some people may not experience any of them while others might only undergo two or three stages rather than all five. Grief symptoms may present themselves physically, socially, or spiritually. Some of the most common symptoms of grief are Crying, Headaches, Difficulty Sleeping, Questioning the Purpose of Life, Questioning Your Spiritual Beliefs, Feelings of Detachment, Isolation from Friends and Family, Abnormal Behavior, Worry, Anxiety, Frustration, Guilt, Fatigue, Loss of Appetite, Physical Aches and Pains and Stress to name some. If you’re experiencing some or all of these in relation to your cancer diagnosis, or other grief, nothing has gone wrong. This is completely normal. Throughout this podcast series, I will offer you some tools for dealing with each stage and your grief symptoms in a healthy way. I am creating this podcast series to help our community learn to process and deal with feelings of grief, because grief, when not processed in a healthy way, slows down the healing process. Unprocessed grief is also detrimental to your overall health and well-being. Today we’ll be focusing on the first stage of grief: Denial.  The first thing you should know about denial is that it’s a coping mechanism. Initial denial is literally a defense mechanism of the brain to protect you from anxiety. Denial is your brain’s way of pacing exposure to overwhelming emotion. Overwhelmed by feelings of shock or numbness, you grasp only as much as you can accept at the moment. Once the denial and shock start to fade, the start of the healing process begins. At this point, those feelings that you were once suppressing - grief, anger, anxiety, fear - are coming to the surface. Persistent denial is where we run into trouble. This type of denial, studies show, has a negative impact on treatment because people typically skip appointments, don’t comply with medical advice, or are otherwise disengaged from what needs to be done to manage and heal their cancer. Research also shows that denial in general - if you tend to live in denial in your wider life - is a correlate of cancer. Lots of studies have been done on whether denial can actually be a risk factor for cancer - more research is needed, but let’s interrupt the denial cycle now! Another risk is that people who are in denial often engage in excessive behavior like overdrinking, overeating, going on a workout binge to further numb themselves from the pain that’s waiting for them. In other words, when we stay stuck in denial we tend to abuse our bodies in some way. If you’ve been engaging in excessive behavior as part of dealing with denial, the best way to exit this loop is to notice and acknowledge. So if you feel the urge to eat a whole package of Oreos, ask yourself why. “What am I feeling right now and why do I want to go on a binge?” If you answer, “I cannot take it,” keep being curious. “What can’t I take?” You don’t have to stop yourself from honoring the binge. You can go ahead and eat all the cookies. Just notice the feelings that you’re trying to escape. Again, denial is a completely normal stage of grief and you may experience it at different points in your cancer journey.  Another aspect to consider is other people around you being in denial about your condition. Sometimes you may find denial happen to other people around you. You might need to talk about your cancer, but your family and friends may be the ones in denial.  They might try to dismiss the fact that you are ill, seems to ignore the fact that you have cancer play down your anxieties and symptoms, and even deliberately change the subject. People can react in this way because they are frightened of cancer themselves. They may be embarrassed or feel ashamed by talking about it. Or they may be terrified that someone they love has a life-threatening condition. If they don't talk about it, they can try to pretend it isn't happening. So if you are hurt or upset by their denial and want their support, it’s important to share with them and tell them how you feel, reassure them that you know what is happening and that you are grappling with your situation, explain that talking to them about your illness will help you and help them cope, and continue to talk about your cancer. Talking about your situation really can help you and those around you. If your family and friends circle continues not to be receptive and supportive, it might help you to talk to a counselor or a coach if you would like to share your feelings with someone and you don’t feel able to talk to your friends and family. Make sure to join an online community or offline support group of people who are in your situation and get it. Regardless of how you face denial, directly or indirectly, join my free private Truth & Dare Cancer Facebook community where you’ll connect with other women going through a similar journey and get your struggles at truthanddarecancer.com/facebook Let’s recap: The 5 stages of grief were developed by a psychiatrist specifically in regards to death and dying, but they are often applicable to other grief experiences. In this 5-part podcast series, we’ll be walking through each stage: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Today we dove deep into denial - which is a coping mechanism for you and those around you. It’s essentially the brain's way of releasing only small amounts of emotion to deal with at any given time that would otherwise be overwhelming. Be sure to tune in next week, when we’ll be diving deep into the second stage of grief: anger. Anger is an emotion that women especially are taught not to feel. But research shows that suppressing anger can just make us sicker - so be sure to tune in to hear healthy ways of dealing with anger. Notice and acknowledge how you’re feeling - or what you’re afraid to feel - until we speak again! If you got value from this episode and know someone else that would get value from it as well, please share it with them. And in the meantime, I dare you to find the truth in your cancer! Thanks for tuning in. If you want to stop identifying with your cancer, you can download a free “You Are Not Your Cancer” guide at www.truthanddarecancer.com/podcastfreeguide.

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